


Just As Planned

by SadShowtunes



Category: The Book of Mormon - Parker/Stone/Lopez
Genre: Bisexual Kevin, Depression, Eventual Smut, F/M, Fluff, Happy Ending, Heavy Angst, Hurt/Comfort, I'm Sorry, Internalized Homophobia, Jealousy, M/M, Minor Character Death, Post-Canon, Roommates
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-06-18
Updated: 2019-10-17
Packaged: 2020-05-13 21:05:58
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 12,557
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19259170
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SadShowtunes/pseuds/SadShowtunes
Summary: Kevin didn't want this to happen, except he wasn't sure if he'd wish for anything else.Besides, no worries, maybe not all is lost. He could go home after this, save money to go to college and get a job, then marry some girl his family welcomes with open arms. At least everyone might still be proud of him, then, and his failed mission could be all but a bittersweet memory of his young adulthood.It was all securely mapped out, which means everything will be fine, right?





	1. Not Quite as Planned

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've wanted to do a longer McPriceley fic for such a long time honestly. After spending half a month planning out all the events and plot for this story, I'm super excited to share it!
> 
> This story will get pretty heavy/emotional at points. I didn't want to spoil too much by putting it all in the tags, but I'll put the trigger warnings in the end notes on this chapter for those who need them.
> 
> (I'm posting this fic on wattpad as well, under the same username, so don't be alarmed to see this there)

He didn't necessarily _want_ any of this to happen. Because he knew his parents were disappointed in him now, no matter how many times they claimed they weren't, and that killed him inside. He'd never be the perfect son he was expected to be. Just the one that was _almost_ perfect. So close to the top that he can barely peek his head over, but never quite making it up there.

But somehow, he still had the time of his life. The friends he made were so different than they type of people he'd expected to be involved with at this stage in his life, yet the past two years were the days he'd look back on and smile.

It was just so confusing. He wanted to start it all over so that just maybe he could fix this and be perfect again. Knowing the way his life really did turn out, though, would he be truly happy with the alternative?

Kevin didn't want this to happen, except he wasn't sure if he'd wish for anything else.

Besides, no worries, maybe not all is lost. He could go home after this, save money to go to college and get a job, then marry some girl his family welcomes with open arms. At least everyone might still be proud of him, then, and his failed mission could be all but a bittersweet memory of his young adulthood.

It was all securely mapped out, which means everything will be fine, right?

~~~

**August**

  
Kevin's last full day in Uganda began with him jumping out of bed upon hearing someone shout for him to wake up, leaving his heart racing and his eyes searching the room for some wild animal, or the General's men storming into the mission hut or something. Instead, there was simply Arnold, bouncing from excitement while kneeling on the bed next to him.

Kevin groaned and stuffed his face back in the pillow. "What do you want?"

"There's only a day left before we go home! We need to pack." Arnold not-so-gently tossed a suitcase at his friend's formerly sleeping form. "We get to live in a real life apartment together! Aren't you excited?"

"Yes Arnold, I'm thrilled," Kevin said, tone dripping with sarcasm. Sure, he was his best friend and all, but Kevin pretty quickly began to regret asking Arnold to be his roommate. Unfortunately, for a decent apartment in the city, Kevin would need help paying rent, and Arnold was his only option save for living with a stranger. That wasn't happening.

Besides, it's not that he didn't like the guy. The two had actually grown really close in the past two years. Arnold just became overly energetic at the worst parts of the day, while Kevin could barely function at a human level without at least a cup of coffee, so his friend's constant liveliness got old pretty quick.

Arnold continued persisting, leading Kevin to drag himself out of bed and go to open one of his drawers before ultimately deciding he didn't have the energy to pack anything right now.

"I'm getting coffee."

In the kitchen, Chris solemnly stared at a large stack of unopened Poptart boxes next to his own suitcase, which already almost overflowed with small, unrelated items. Kevin chuckled at the sight, then promptly quieted when the blond shot him a glare.

He turned around to put the necessary materials in the coffee machine before switching it on, all while leaning against the counter and trying desperately to keep himself awake for the next few minutes. In his wait, someone entered the kitchen and Kevin heard a familiar voice behind him.

"Good morning, Elder Price. How's your day so far?"

After the whole _'_ _Arnold Fiasco,'_ as they all have chosen to unofficially name it, the District 9 Elders decided that the former rules weren't quite as necessary now that they were no longer part of the church (hence Kevin's caffeine addiction). It took a while for their district leader, Connor McKinley, to become as unrestricted as the rest, but he eventually gave in as well. Despite this, he continued to address everyone as 'Elder' even though most now referred to each other on a first-name basis.

"Fine, it's just a little depressing to think that tomorrow we'll be leaving this place forever," Kevin replied.

"Tell me about it." Connor stepped over to the counter where Kevin was and leaned against it as well. "What do you think you'll miss most about Uganda?"

There were plenty of things Kevin knew he definitely wouldn't mind leaving behind. The sweltering heat, the mosquitos, the wild animals, the constant fear of being attacked and killed by the General's army... Yet there were little things he would miss, too, like the friendly small talk of the villagers, or Arnold and Nabulungi being practically joined at the hip.

Though he couldn't help but feel that the thing he'd miss most was standing right in front of him.

Kevin grew pretty attached to the chipper redhead, he had to admit. He began to notice little things, like the way Connor's eyes lit up each time he smiled his strangely contagious grin, or how he would always drop anything to help someone if they needed it.

There was a day a few months into their mission, when Connor sat everyone down and, with fidgety hands and watery eyes, admitted to the District 9 Elders that he was gay. His coming out was met with immense support from everyone, even prompting Arnold to add a passage to his book that would nullify any condemnation of homosexuality.

Later, Kevin had gone to his office to congratulate Connor for his courage and provide extra support. It felt like they shared some sort of unspoken connection that night, like there was some switch that was flipped in their heads, which loomed over during all of the pair's conversations since then. All Kevin knew was that it brought them closer together, and he was definitely not complaining about that.

He almost wanted to call Connor his best friend, if it weren't for Arnold already holding that title. This didn't feel quite the same as the bond that he and Arnold had, anyway. Something different and just as strong that he couldn't seem to put a name to, but it was nice. Together, Kevin and Connor were comfortable. Happy. He didn't even want to think about leaving that feeling behind. Nor did he want to think about the sinking in his chest when he was reminded.

But Kevin knew that saying _'you are what I'd miss most'_ would sound weird. Verging past platonic connotations type of weird, so he had to settle for, "I'm not sure," as a response to the district leader's question.

Connor appeared to think intently for a moment—something he did a lot, Kevin noted—and said, with a small chuckle, "I think I'll miss your constant complaining."

"I don't complain that much!"

"Oh really?" Connor smirked and proceeded to raise the pitch of his voice to mock the younger man. "' _Connor, it's too hot in Africa.' 'Connor, tell Arnold to stop snoring.' 'Connor, why can't—'"_

"Okay, okay, I get it." He looked down in shame at getting called out, before smiling at the redhead and leaving them in a silence that somehow felt more comfortable than awkward.

Just as Connor opened his mouth to say something else, there was a shrill noise from beside them that caused both men to jump. Oh right, Coffee. That's why Kevin was here in the first place.

"I should go. I've got some work to do." Connor slipped away and out of Kevin's sight, leaving the latter staring at the doorway for a few moments after he was gone.

Not to forget about Chris, who cleared his throat and stared at the other with some sort of knowing look that frustrated Kevin to no end, considering Kevin himself didn't know what he was feeling. So thanks for nothing, Poptarts.

Kevin, now in possession of his beloved caffeine, opted to make his way back to his room, where he caught the end of Arnold and Naba's conversation about some weird sci-fi thing the former was obsessed with and their admittedly adorable exchange of goodbyes.

He wished he could have such a pure relationship with someone.

Arnold stood in place smiling for a moment, before turning to Kevin and promptly sobbing into his shoulder. The sudden change of mood would've been almost comical if Kevin wasn't so concerned (for both his shirt and his friend).

"You okay, buddy?"

He sniffled. "I'm gonna miss her."

~~~

  
The going away party that evening entertained almost the entire village. So many people brought their own dishes and snacks to dine on that most of the former missionaries felt bad for not having the stomach space to enjoy it all. But plates were still cleared without question as the table filled with reminiscent chatter about memories of their time together.

Then there was Arnold, who wouldn't do anything but stare quietly at his untouched plate. Everyone at the table continued to grow concerned and kept commenting on how delicious the food was in an attempt to encourage him to eat, but nothing seemed to work. Nobody understood what was wrong.

Except Kevin, since he chose to spend the entire day consoling his friend instead of packing like he was supposed to. Which meant he'd need to rush to do so before they left tomorrow morning, and that was going to be a pain in the ass. His own issues weren't important right now, though. He needed to figure out a way to cheer Arnold up.

Perhaps expecting him to be some source of guidance, Kevin looked over at Connor, who sat opposite him at the noisy dining table. The redhead noticed him and Kevin nudged his head towards Arnold as a way of silently asking what he should do, to which Connor shrugged and looked at the other apologetically.

Kevin sighed, figured he needed to do _something_ , and turned to his mission  companion, though having no actual plan on mind.

"Hey." He poked Arnold's shoulder with a fork and donned a playful smile. "Hey, Arnold."

No response. Not even an acknowledgement. Unless a depressing sniffle counts as one of those things, but it wasn't good enough for Kevin.

"You know, once we get back to America, we can watch all the Star Wars, Star Trek, Doctor Who, whatever you want. We won't just be limited to what you brought in that back pack," he said. "And we'll have a flat screen TV to watch it on! Much better than that old piece of crap we have here."

Still nothing. He thought for sure that'd work, too. That geeky stuff always worked on Arnold. At this point, Kevin truly was out of ideas.

"C'mon, you were so excited to go back home and live in our first apartment together. Don't let some girl get in the way of that."

This finally elicited a response. Not exactly the kind he was hoping for, but a response nonetheless.

"She is _not_ 'some girl'! She's beautiful, and smart, and just... I don't know, amazing." Arnold smiled slightly as he spoke about his girlfriend, before his face turned gloomy again and he looked down at his lap. "I think I'm in love with her."

Oh. Okay. Kevin wasn't quite sure how to reply to that. It's not a surprise or anything, obviously, since Naba and Arnold had been either officially or unofficially dating from about a month into the mission, but it was the first he'd heard Arnold say anything about love, so it caught him off guard. And now he felt sort of bad for trying to make him just forget that he's about to move an ocean away from, apparently, the love of his life.

At Kevin's silence, Arnold spoke again. "Do you know what that's like? To feel like that for someone? And you just never want to be away from them or you feel like you might explode or something?"

Kevin glanced across the table.

"No." He sighed, defeated. "I'm sorry, bud. I wish I knew what I could do to help you feel better."

As if on cue, the exact person he needed right then entered through the front door.

"Apologies for being late, everyone!"

Kevin shot up from his seat and grabbed her by the arm, pulling her towards Arnold. "Nabulungi, thank Heavenly Father you're here."

"Elder Price? What is the matter?"

They paused a few steps away from Naba's distraught boyfriend.

Kevin leaned in to tell her quietly, as if it was some big secret at this point, "Arnold's been really upset about having to leave tomorrow. Could you maybe try speaking to him?"

A concerned look grew on her face and she nodded, going over to Arnold. The two exchanged a few hushed words before Naba gently encouraged him to come with her to another room.

With that at least temporarily out of the way, Kevin let out a sigh of relief.

"Is he okay?" Connor asked after Kevin had sat back down.

"I hope so. Nabulungi's talking to him now."

Connor nodded and stayed looking at Kevin for a moment. "Are _you_ okay?"

The younger man paused. "Of course, why wouldn't I be?"

"I don't know. You've just seemed a bit off lately."

There was no response for a while, probably just a few seconds but it felt like an eternity.

"No idea what you're talking about, Con. I'm fine." Kevin smiled.

He _almost_ believed his own words, too. Except there was something in the back of his mind telling him that Connor was correct. Recently he did feel a little... foggy? That was the only thing he could think of to describe it. He was just getting kind of lost in his head more often, not sure exactly when it started, but it definitely wasn't anything to worry about. All it was was the stress of getting ready to leave and saying goodbye to everybody. It'd all be perfectly fine once he and Arnold were settled into their new apartment.

"Are you sure?" Connor reached over and placed a comforting hand on Kevin's. "Please, if anything's wrong, I want you to tell me."

Kevin shook his head. "Trust me, I'm okay."

The redhead gave him a small smile. Like he didn't quite believe the man, but also didn't want to pry.

Then there was that peaceful, comforting feeling again. If Kevin could just freeze time and hold onto this forever, maybe he really would feel okay.

Unfortunately, the world doesn't work like that. It lasted both an eternity and just a few seconds before Arnold and Naba came back in and sat by Kevin.

"You seem a lot better," Kevin said to his smiling mission companion, who appeared to bounce in his seat.

"We've come up with the _perfect_ solution to my problem!"

"Oh?"

Arnold's curls almost wanted to escape from his head with how enthusiastically he nodded. "I told Nitrogen what was wrong, so she hugged me and I cried into her shoulder a bit while she told me fun stories about the villagers, 'cause that's what she always does to cheer me up. But then it was just making me miss this place more, so I was like, 'I just wanna stay here forever.' So she was like—"

"Arnold, please get to the point."

"Sorry," he said. "Anyway, we discussed it, and what if I just stayed in Uganda for a while?"

Kevin's face fell. "Oh..."

"Wouldn't that be great, best friend? I'd get to live with Northface, and you and I could still send letters and talk on the phone whenever we want!"

"Yeah, that's... A great idea." Kevin began to fidget. "But who's gonna be my roommate?"

Arnold smiled. "Aw, come on, you don't need me there. You've always been super independent."

Independent. Yeah. Kevin Price didn't need to live with anyone to get by.

Except he absolutely did. Now there was no way he was going to afford that apartment his parents found for him if he didn't get a job, like, immediately. And even then, he'd barely be left with money to save for college, which meant he wouldn't get the nice job, or the beautiful wife, or the lovely suburban home he'd planned so perfectly for himself.

"Okay. But... but what are your parents going to say?" Kevin tried to come up with something, _anything_ to get Arnold to change his mind.

That was a bit of a dick move, wasn't it? Arnold was obviously going to be miserable without Naba, and here Kevin was, hoping his supposed best friend would give up his chance of happiness for Kevin's own gain.

"They'll be fine with it. Anything to keep me off their hands." Arnold let out a laugh that turned into an awkward chuckle. He continued, "I'll be sure to call them tomorrow morning."

"Well, I guess that settles it then," Kevin said. "You're staying here, and I'll be going back to Utah... Alone." He trailed off, sort of forgetting he was actually speaking to someone. It was more thinking out loud, really.

Arnold jumped up and gave him a bone-crushing hug. "Thank you, buddy. I'm gonna go unpack my things!"

The other didn't respond. Barely even moved. All he could really do was stare blankly at the table in front of him with a weird feeling of dread numbing his senses. Because now he was quickly realizing the only two people (outside his family) he truly trusted in the world, he'd probably never see again.

But maybe this was good. He could forget about this—forget about everybody. There'd be no fears of his past interfering with his future. Nothing holding him back. It'd all be okay, probably.

Kevin tried to believe this. He told himself he did, that it's what he wanted, but deep down he knew it wasn't. When his best friend was going to be on a completely different continent, and the person he trusted more than anything and felt overwhelmingly happy around would be... Kevin didn't even know where Connor was going. Wherever it was, it wasn't close enough.

For what felt like the first time since the beginning of his mission, Kevin was lost.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some trigger warnings for things in future chapters:
> 
> • Mental Illness (depression)
> 
> • Suicidal thoughts
> 
> • Suicide attempt (unsuccessful and not graphic)
> 
> • Homophobia
> 
> • Grief/death of a loved one
> 
> Despite all this, I will tell you that this does have a very happy ending and some cute, fluffy moments. But it's still overall a heavy story with serious and emotional topics, so please use your own best judgment to decide whether or not you can read this. I don't want anyone getting hurt


	2. Whole Famn Damily

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So sorry for the wait! Over the summer I was stuck in this weird cycle of “Write 200 words, get busy with marching band stuff, have writers block for a week, repeat.” 
> 
> Oddly enough, now that school’s started, I have more motivation to write. I’m still kind of a slow writer, I’m not one of those people who can write and publish a beautifully written new chapter every single day (seriously, those people must be magic), but hopefully it won’t be 3 months before another chapter this time.

Kevin never liked planes.

It wasn't a fear of flying itself or anything. Kevin was the only one of his siblings that didn't cry on the plane during their family trip to Disney World, and he prided himself in that, thank you very much.

But really, what sane person would enjoy being forced to sit in a cramped seat while having to endure strangers not knowing how to shut up their whiny children for hours on end? A masochist?

On top of all that, Kevin's mind just couldn't take a rest from the brand new issue pertaining to his living situation. Each possible solution he thought of ultimately had some kind of unfavorable downside, which just made the looming hopelessness intensify and all the thinking started to make his brain feel hazy.

Not to mention the sleep deprivation starting to get to him, which just made every emotion feel a million times worse.

Long story short, Kevin found himself drifting off immediately after sitting down. Just to get a break from everything.

Until, of course, a timid tap on his shoulder and some quieted words he was too disoriented to really process pulled him awake, leaving him annoyed and not particularly feeling any better than before.

"What?" Kevin said blankly with a forced turn of his head.

"I asked if you were feeling okay." Connor's brows furrowed in concern.

Kevin cringed a bit at his previous cranky tone once he realized who he was talking to. "Oh, uh... Just tired."

"At nine in the morning?"

"I couldn't sleep much last night." Or, if he was being truthful, he couldn't sleep at all.

"Oh." While Connor's expression changed to something sympathetic and he looked like he wanted to press the issue further, something seemed to hold him back.

When exactly did Connor start caring so much about Kevin? He really didn't know whether he felt flattered or guilty. A mix of both? It was like Kevin couldn't decide between wanting to collapse into the boy's lap and sob out all his worries, or shut down and run away so he wouldn't have to bother his friend.

Maybe a subject change was best.

"How are you feeling?" Kevin asked.

"What?"

"Y'know, about going home. Leaving the village, the elders. Entering the life of an average American adult."

Connor chuckled. "The average American adult hasn't been through what we have. I think I'm overqualified." He leaned back and sighed, before looking back at Kevin. "Still not prepared, though. I don't have many plans past staying with my parents until I figure out what to do with my life. What about you? Are you excited to see your family again?"

And Kevin knew it wasn't intentional—he hadn't told Connor about his predicament, the redhead was simply asking an innocent question. But it was still rubbing salt in the fresh wound and he didn't really know how to feel about it.

"I'm... Actually, I'm moving into my own apartment in Salt Lake City." He shifted in his seat. "My parents are making me. They want me to be more independent or something."

The second part was a blatant lie. Kevin's parents made good money and loved all their children. They'd happily keep their son around as long as he needed, especially if he was in a situation where he couldn't properly support himself. 

It's his image he wanted to preserve, like always. Moving out right after his mission just like his older brother had. When his parents sent that letter about 'this gorgeous apartment we found for you'  and told him they already put in a deposit on first months rent, it was basically set in stone for Kevin. He wasn't about to let his family down again. 

But an adorable smile appeared on the Connor's face, making Kevin forget all of that and smile back at him. "I live near Salt Lake City! Do you need help moving or anything?"

"I'm only grabbing a few personal items from my parents' house," Kevin replied.

Connor shook his head. "Really, I'd love to help. My family's not gonna mind if I get home a little late," he said.

And Kevin really didn't have the heart to say no. That, and he'd never be opposed to spending time with Connor. Especially now that he didn't have to worry about never seeing him again.

Maybe all hope wasn't lost.

~~~

The rest of the flight wasn't as horrible as he expected. Mainly because Kevin was actually able to fall asleep with a clear mind this time, thanks to Connor. It made Kevin wish he could sleep next to the redhead all the time.

In the least weird way possible, of course. 

Among the first things he noticed upon stepping out of the airport was how it felt. It wasn't necessarily much colder than Uganda, as it was still summer, just different in a way Kevin couldn't properly describe. The same kind of difference one usually feels when traveling somewhere far from home.

This odd feeling of unfamiliarity still persisted as the cab drove through the city, then through his neighborhood, past buildings and houses he'd seen a million times in his childhood. Even driving down the street to his hou— His parents' house.

Jamais Vu, Kevin remembered from the psychology class he took senior year. When something known feels unfamiliar.

The house looked virtually the same. The same spotless windows, white fence, and perfectly trim yard. Even the dilapidated doghouse, which Kevin's sister had refused to let their parents get rid of after the family dog died when Kevin was sixteen, still stood.

"Is it bad this is exactly how I imagined your house to look like?" Connor laughed from beside him.

"Like what?"

Connor shrugged. "Clean. Pristine. Perfect. Just like you."

They stopped right in front of the door and Kevin tried to push down the fluttering feeling he got from Connor insinuating he thought he was perfect.

"Well, where else would I have gotten it from?" Kevin said with a teasing smile, pretending to flip his hair back.

The other playfully punched his arm as Kevin rang the doorbell.

Mrs. Price appeared within a few seconds.

"Oh my heavens! Scott, kids, come downstairs! Kevin's home!" she exclaimed at the sight of her son at the door. "Kev, honey, you got so tan. You used plenty of sunscreen, I hope? And bug spray?"

Kevin chuckled and hugged his mother.

She squeezed him tight. "Your father and I are so happy to see you," she said, pulling away and finally noticing Connor, who was standing quietly behind Kevin. "And who's this?"

"Elder Connor McKinley, m'am. District Leader of the District 9 Uganda mission." Connor smiled brightly and spoke the same way he had the day Kevin met him. Except at this point, it sounded weird. Fake. Perhaps not to most people, the ones who have never spoken to Connor. They'd never notice a thing. But to Kevin, it seemed so... manufactured, compared to the man he had gotten to know so well over the past years.

"Oh?"

Kevin scratched the back of his head. "We became pretty good friends while on our mission. He lives nearby and offered to help me move."

Mrs. Price smiled somehow wider than before. "Oh, how wonderful! Come in, boys, take a seat. Jack, Eve, and your father will be down to say hello in a moment, and I'll get some drinks for everybody." The two men stepped inside and she scurried off to the kitchen.

Sure enough, Kevin's two teenage siblings quickly came barreling down the stairs, engulfing their brother in a small group hug before he could even get a word in. "Kev!"

"Hey guys," he replied, laughing.

Jack pulled away and plopped himself on the couch. "Don't ever leave us again, you ass."

"Jack!" Eve gasped at his profanity.

The two youngest Price children had always been polar opposites. Eve clearly took after Kevin when it came to devotion to the church, spending much of her free time studying scripture and working to be the (second) best Mormon Heavenly Father had ever seen. She always beamed with pride when people would call her a "Mini-Kevin," because that's exactly who she wanted to be.

Jack... not so much. He was incredibly apathetic when it came to anything religion. Ever since he was old enough to make conscious choices and decide he didn't like church, the rest of the family had to literally drag the kid out of the house every Sunday  just to stop the other churchgoers from questioning them about it.

Growing, up Kevin never understood why his little brother was the way he was. Especially with just how devoted their parents were.

Now, he found himself relating to Jack just a tiny bit more.

"Who're you?" Eve chimed to Connor once she was done scolding her brother.

Connor was stood next to Kevin with his hands folded the whole time, not having said a word, and Kevin felt guilty for not introducing him before. "Oh, I'm sorry, this is Connor. He's a close friend of mine from the mission. Con, this is Jack and Eve."

The redhead smiled cheerfully and held out a hand, getting ready to greet the two younger Prices before being interrupted.

"Pleasure to meet you, boy." Kevin's father appeared seemingly out of nowhere to shake Connor's outstretched hand. "Heard you were district leader. Not an easy job, I'm sure. I hold a lot of respect for you."

Caught off guard and looking to be slightly intimidated, Connor stuttered out, "Oh, um... Thank you sir?" Which was a fairly common reaction to meeting Mr. Price.

Everyone sat and made small talk until Mrs. Price came in carrying 6 plastic cups and a pitcher. 

"I hope you like lemonade, dear." She handed Connor a cup. "Kevin's always been crazy about it."

As much as Kevin truly did love his mother's lemonade, the only thing he wanted to drink right then was a nice cup of coffee. Since the excommunication, Kevin's caffeine addiction had gone into full swing, and he was at the point where he needed at least one cup a day, no matter how much sleep he had gotten before.

But perhaps it's best he doesn't mention that to his parents.

That's the thing, too. It was nice seeing his family again after two years, but the way his life— even his own morals— changed in that period of time, he felt like he could no longer be himself without disappointing them more than he already had.

They may not seem it, but it doesn't matter how happy they were to have Kevin home. The awkward glances his mother was giving him every now and then were piercing, and he definitely noticed how Eve shifted away from her normal talkative personality now that Kevin was here. He didn't even want to know what they'd think if he told them about his doubts of whether or not God exists.

There Kevin was, in his childhood home, and he felt like he didn't even belong there.

His parents and siblings (Well, Eve at least. Jack looked to be more interested in a loose thread on his jeans) were in the middle of questioning Connor about his experiences as district leader when Kevin cleared his throat and said, "I'm sorry, but I think Connor and I should get going soon. It's getting late and we're both pretty jet lagged."

"You boys can stay the night if you want. We can set up an air mattress for Connor," Mrs. Price offered.

Connor got up and stood close to Kevin. "I would love to stay, ma'm, but I told my own parents I'd be home later tonight."

Kevin's mother picked up the empty lemonade cups now scattered in the room. "Oh, well that's too bad, dear."

"There's empty boxes in Kevin's old room for you guys to start packing," Mr. Price said, deadpan and not looking at either of them.

Kevin nodded and lead the way for Connor.


	3. Kevin Price isn’t Ready for Adulthood

"Are you okay?" Connor had asked once again when they stepped into the nostalgic confines of Kevin's childhood bedroom.

And to be perfectly candid, it was starting to get annoying. Not Connor. Kevin couldn't be annoyed at Connor. Just at the question, because frankly, at this point, it may as well be added to the growing list of things everybody except Kevin Price seems to know the answer to. Right behind things like, _'Why is the sky blue?'_ and _'Why is everything suddenly falling apart?'_

"Just tired." Kevin went to grab a box, but Connor stepped in front of it to block him, arms crossed and stance widened to make him appear bigger than Kevin.

"You were _'just tired'_ on the plane earlier."

Walking around his friend, Kevin smoothly snatched the box he was previously going for. "And I'm _just tired_ now. It was a long flight."

There was no response to that, and Kevin feared he sounded too harsh. He didn't intend to sound mean at all, it's just that he cared for Connor too much to see him worrying about him like that. After all, it was just Kevin. He doubted he deserved the concern, really.

Connor sighed, defeated.  "Just please, let me know when _anything_ at all is bothering you. We're not supposed to turn things off anymore."

Kevin nodded noncommittally.

That was something Connor's been extremely adamant about since he came out. He grew up in an environment where he was told to 'turn it off' or else he was a disappointment to God, so, at the time, he thought that was the solution to all unfavorable feelings. No need to deal with the negative if you just pretend it doesn't exist.

The guilt Connor felt for encouraging others to do this was something that very clearly still plagued him years later.

Soon, the two got to work at the matter at hand, Kevin instructing to Connor what should be put where, what should be tossed out and never seen again, and what actually belonged to one of his other siblings that Jack probably stole and put in Kevin's room half a decade ago to try and get him in trouble (seriously, it's like his brother dedicated his entire existence to getting back at Kevin for that stupid donut thing).

Until they got to an old, beat up cork board, with various wrinkled papers, tickets, and photographs pinned up haphazardly, and the redhead gasped.

"Oh my gosh, you were in the marching band?" He said, looking to be holding back a laugh.

Kevin shot over to the board and snatched away—nearly tore—the picture of his pimply, teenage self, where he was proudly holding a clarinet and wearing a way too baggy band uniform. "No, uh—That's nothing."

Grabbing it back, Connor giggled. "Aw, you were so cute."

Truth be told, Kevin had almost forgotten about the activities he was apart of in high school, but now all the memories of those three years he spent enduring sweltering band camps and being forced to sit through uneventful Friday night football games were suddenly rushing back to him.

Still, he can't say he didn't enjoy it just a little bit.

Connor's face softened, but still held an amused grin. "It's nothing to be embarrassed about. I just never expected the great, beloved Elder Price to be a band geek, that's all."

"Yeah, I signed up when I heard the band got to go to Disney World," Kevin replied, shrugging. "But then I quit the year they went because I had to focus on training for my mission."

"That sounds exactly like something you'd do."

Connor handed the photo back and Kevin placed it into a small box, along with any other pictures he planned on keeping. Which wasn't many. All the ones he treasured most were brought back from the mission, resting safely in a pocket inside his suitcase.

Kevin wondered if Connor had saved any pictures—and if any were of the two of them. A tiny smile found its way to his face at the thought.

It wasn't long before all the boxes were full and ready for transport. Kevin couldn't take everything, of course. Nor did he really feel he needed to. There's only so many reminders of childhood a person can handle once they realize they'll never get back to that period in their life, and Kevin was about to have a crisis from just standing in this room any longer.

A quick goodbye to the Prices (plus a very emotional one from Kevin's mother) and a few more awkward minutes trying to get everything stuffed into the taxi, they were off. 

Onto the next dismal stage of Kevin's life.

~~~

The building seemed nice from the outside, like his parents promised so insistently. It was far from being a luxury apartment complex, but definitely fancier than what's usually expected for the _'single, jobless 21-year-old who just moved out of his parents' house'_ demographic. And without a doubt much more expensive.

In conclusion, Kevin was fucked.

And _of course_ the one elevator in the whole building just had to be out of order that night, leaving Kevin and Connor to lug everything up six flights of stairs on foot, boxes stacked precariously on top of each other in each pair of arms. Considering they hadn't spent much of their time in Uganda hitting the gym or building up their endurance, it wasn't exactly an easy trek for either of the two.

Kevin _may or may not_ have tripped a few times along the way, ironically while trying to make sure Connor didn't fall. Like the good friend he was.

It also _may or may not_ have had something to do with the fact that the redhead looked oddly appealing all sweaty and breathless—for whatever reason—and Kevin _may or may not_ have been slightly distracted. 

He would've wholeheartedly insisted on the _may not_ option for that last one. The implications of that were not something Kevin needed to think about right now.

And as much as he deniably loved looking at his friend like this, the rest of the walk to Kevin's floor couldn't have been over quick enough.

Fumbling with the keys a bit and hoping his sudden awkwardness wasn't too apparent, Kevin pushed the door open, too physically and emotionally fatigued to even bother taking a good look at the place before carelessly tossing the boxes down (they were already dropped down a flight of stairs too many times to count at this point, anyway) and making an immediate beeline for the couch. Thank God the apartment came furnished. 

Connor followed, flopping down next to him like a rag doll and staring at the ceiling, his head just short of resting in Kevin's lap. 

There was a dim glow in the room from a lamp by the couch, along with the sounds of busy late night traffic that could be heard outside the window. Kevin already knew he'd never get used to that.

"That's the ugliest fan I've ever seen." Connor said after a moment.

"What?"

The redhead smiled slightly and forced his arm to lazily point upwards. "Look at it."

He was right. It was an almost normal looking ceiling fan, but a huge contrast to the otherwise contemporary-looking apartment, since the blades sported some weird floral pattern that reminded Kevin a bit too much of his grandmother's house.

He wasn't sure at what point he fell asleep, but Kevin half expected to wake up back in Uganda, jolted out of bed by Arnold's shouting yet again. That's where he wanted to be. Comfortable and happy, surrounded by his friends, with no immediate worries about his future. The day held so much change that it almost felt like a bad dream.

What actually woke him up was the shrill, incessant sound of his phone ringing. That was another thing Kevin was going to have to get used to, he supposed.

The former district leader stopped him from getting it, however, due to somehow maneuvering in a way overnight that placed one leg over Kevin's lap, body on top of his arm and head pressed against his chest. Connor had twisted awkwardly, but he seemed to be content, and for a split second Kevin couldn't hold back the thought that he looked _just slightly_ adorable.

Luckily, the redhead stirred awake almost immediately, with a soft, bashful smile at Kevin that quickly turned to panic.

"Oh my gosh... oh my gosh... they're going to kill me..." Connor rambled incoherently as he jumped up and made a failed attempt to smooth out the wrinkles in his shirt.

He kicked over one of piles of boxes set near the couch in his rush, hurrying out a quick apology before continuing his frenzy.

"Who's gonna kill you? What's wrong?"

"Oh, my parents. I told them I'd be home last night. I'm so sorry, Elder, I've got to go."

Kevin got up to grab his phone, seeing that Arnold was the one who called and woke him up—nothing's changed there, it seems—and making a mental note to call back later. "Do you need me to call you a cab or something?"

"No, I got it, but thank you," Connor assured, running his hands through his own hair as a makeshift comb. He then went over to Kevin and hugged him warmly. "Good luck, Elder Price."

He was gone in a flash.

Kevin stared at the door, dumbfounded. Thanks, but he needed actual willpower more than he needed luck.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it’s a little short. I told myself I was going to make sure every chapter was at least 2000 words, but I just couldn’t make this chapter any longer without adding too much information or making it too wordy. 
> 
> Thanks for reading!


	4. Denial’s Not Just a River in Egypt

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Anxiety Attack

_Ring... Ring... Ring..._

"Best friend!"

Kevin cringed and moved the phone a few inches from his ear to avoid the inevitable hearing loss that comes with speaking to Arnold. "Hey buddy. How are you?"

"Amazing! Me and Nickelback have been shopping around in Kampala all day, so that's how I'm able to call you. There's almost never any reception in the village, you know?" Arnold said. "What about you? How was your first day in your own apartment?"

He shrugged, then realized Arnold couldn't see him. "Fine, I had Connor help me move in," Kevin said. "Well, he offered, really. He's so helpful, don't you think?"

Arnold, for once, had nothing to say but an amused hum in agreement.

"Like, he was always the first to offer help to the villagers and other elders whenever they needed something. I honestly think Connor's the sweetest person I've ever met..." Kevin realized what he was doing and coughed awkwardly. "...or something."

Arnold picked up on his friend's uncharacteristic rambling, it seemed. "You're starting to sound like me when I talk about Naba." 

Hey, at least he was self aware. Truthfully, it was pretty cute how Arnold would go on and on about his girlfriend like she was the greatest thing on Earth. Even though he used to make Kevin stay up way too late in Uganda, him being the only one who'd put up with all the gushing. It was okay. Naba and Arnold truly loved each other, and Arnold made sure everyone knew that fact.

Wait...

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Oh, Kev..." Arnold chuckled in a way that felt like it was taunting him. "If you think I don't know already, you really underestimate my intelligence. I may not have gotten good grades in school, but do you know how many detective shows I watched on TV growing up? _Five_ , at least. And I always guessed who did it before—"

"Arnold! _What. Are. You. Talking. About_?" 

The other quieted his voice—at least to whatever his own relative version of ' _quiet_ ' was. "I know you're in love with Connor."

If Kevin had been drinking anything at that moment, it would've made for a very picturesque spit-take. "I'm sorry, what?"

"Yeah, you don't do a very good job of hiding it, buddy. I think everyone knew you had the hots for our district leader. Poptarts told me he saw you lovingly staring into Connor's eyes while he was telling a story once, which is the cutest thing ever."

Okay, that wasn't Kevin's fault. Connor's eyes were just such a pretty, deep blue, and they got so wide with excitement when he was storytelling that it was inevitable Kevin would notice them. There's nothing wrong with admiring someone with nice e—that's not the point!

"No. That's—that's ridiculous. He's just..." Kevin stumbled. "I'm not even gay."

There was a pause and a stifled laugh from a feminine voice in the background, which he assumed to be Naba. _Great. Let's have an audience._

" _Sure_ you're not," Arnold said.

"Wh—I'm serious!"

"You're stuttering."

"Because I'm trying to wrap my head around what you're saying!" Kevin ran a hand through his hair exasperatedly.

Okay, even if he _did_ like Connor like that—which he most certainly didn't. What an absurd assumption—saying he was in love would be a long shot, considering they never dated. And never will. Because the (almost) perfect Kevin Price, who had worked his whole life to be a model citizen in the eyes of Heavenly Father (and his parents, and the church), was not attracted to a man. No matter how unbelievably sweet or adorable or amazing that man happened to be.

Obviously he didn't think it would be sinful or anything if he was. Love is love, and if God did happen to exist, He wouldn't have a problem with something that can't be controlled.

Kevin was just very sure of his own heterosexuality.

 _'Sure of'_ meaning, of course, that the alternative wouldn't fit with his plan for a perfect life, so he didn't think about it.

Then again, nothing did recently.

"Well, whenever you get over all that denial, you should go for it. McKinley definitely has a thing for you too."

Denial? What denial? He wasn't denying anything! 

"I'm not having this discussion," Kevin said finally.

Arnold, with a doubtful tone, said, "Right. Whatever. I've gotta go for now, but keep in touch?"

"Yeah, of course."

_Beep_

Something about that short conversation wasn't as satisfying as he had hoped.

For a while, Kevin sat there in silence, not sure what to do. In the living room stood a flatscreen, a huge upgrade from the TV they had in Uganda—the old analog he and a few other Elders had found on a curbside while on a trip to Kampala. It took about four of the scrawny missionaries the rest of the day to lug it onto the bus and back to the mission hut, but Arnold jumped with joy and pulled out stacks of DVDs from God knows where when he saw it.

Kevin was mainly concerned about all the movies he missed in the past two years, which oddly made him more apprehensive to turn on the TV. As ridiculous as it sounded, it would remind him too much of the fact that the mission he spent so much of his life on was now over. Two years isn't that long in reality, but it might as well have been a lifetime considering Kevin was basically a completely different person now. 

That was also something too scary to think about.

There's a lot of things that fall into that category now, it seems.

But really, he shouldn't be so hung up on it. His mission—as much as he wished it never ended in the first place–was in the past. Gone. He needed to finally get that in his head and stop pitying himself. Kevin Price may not be the same as he was as a child, but now was the time to work on his goal of somehow being successful and somehow making his family proud again. Which was already getting increasingly harder to accomplish.

When did his life become so difficult?

The growl of his stomach was what snapped Kevin out of his own thoughts, quickly making him realize that one, he hadn't seen eaten since the plane, and two, he should probably add _'buy food'_ to his to-do list.

Unfortunately, despite his hunger, he couldn’t bring himself to even walk to the convenience store a block over. _‘The sun’s setting. It’ll be too dangerous.’_ He told himself. Tomorrow would be a better time.

Kevin sighed and decided he should do _something_ productive by finally unpacking some boxes. Picking up a few, he transferred them to one of the bedrooms, opting for the one with the double bed. 

There’s another thing he needed to work on—Finding the woman he was going to marry. His older brother, Adam, had gotten married almost immediately after his mission ended. Which means Kevin was already behind.

Maybe he could at least work on getting a girlfriend soon. That is, if girls would like an early-twenties ex-mormon with no job or hope for his future.

Just as he was going back to grab more boxes, there was a knock.

“Elder Price? This is the right apartment, right?”

Kevin opened the door a bit too eagerly.

“Oh, good.” Relief flashed over Connor’s face. “I’m sorry, I think I left my luggage here last night.”

It was weird seeing Connor in anything that wasn’t black slacks and a white button-down. Not the bad kind of weird, though. The t-shirt and jeans looked good on him. He looked good.

But now Kevin was hyper-aware of the fact that he was staring and not actually saying anything. The thought that Arnold could possibly be right—as ridiculous as it was—kept replaying in his mind, and it seemed to be activating Kevin’s fight or flight response.

“I—uh... Oh!” He finally managed to get out, running over and, now with shaky hands that he hoped his friend didn’t notice, grabbing the pink suitcase poking through the messed up pile of boxes in the living room. “Here.”

The redhead chuckled and smiled his adorably genuine smile.

No, please, don’t do that. Not now. Not when Kevin’s standing here, suddenly questioning his sexuality just because his clueless friend decided to point out a possibility he’d been trying not to think about for the past two years.

One could argue that sounds a lot like turning it off, which the District 9 Elders had all collectively agreed was unhealthy, but Kevin had his reasons. For one, a schoolgirl crush on his former district leader definitely didn’t fall in Kevin’s favor when it came to his main goal of making his family proud again. So he pushed all those thoughts down before he could worry about them too much.

He used to, at least. Obviously he was thinking (and worrying) about them now, albeit involuntarily.

“I brought you some coffee. I know how you are when you don’t get your daily caffeine intake,” Connor teased, handing over the cup.

“Okay, um... thank you.” The other avoided eye contact, since anytime he looked at Connor’s face for more than a second, an awful intrusive thought would pop up in the back of his mind, wondering about just how soft his lips would feel if he—

Okay. No. _No_. _Nope_. Connor couldn’t be there right now. He just made it worse. Curse Arnold for making Kevin overthink shit to the point he couldn’t even talk to his only friend (at least that lived in the same country), Kevin needed to get away now.

“I have to go,” he said in a strained, breathless, voice, not giving the redhead the opportunity to respond before slamming the door closed in his flustered panic.

If it was harsh, he didn’t care. He felt like every wall he had created to secure that his life would go just as he planned was being broken down all at once. First his mission failing, then the bleak chances of ever affording this apartment (let alone college), and now being forced to come to terms with something he had managed to turn off for so long. His life was falling apart around him, and he could do nothing but watch. Like a glass screen was separating him from everything.

If Kevin was in his right mind, he’d reason that this was a huge over exaggeration. Connor was openly gay, and that was fine. He seemed happy. It made no sense for Kevin to be reacting this way to the possibility that he could be like Connor.

But Kevin wasn’t in his right mind. Not now. Who knows if he was ever?

As his legs gave out and he toppled to the floor, as he gasped for a breath he couldn’t reach, and as he held his chest to make sure he was still alive, Kevin wondered if God would save him now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope this isn’t moving too fast. I wanted this chapter to kind of emphasize that Kevin was in denial for basically all of his mission, and then he was faced with the reality all at once as soon as Arnold pointed it out. Idk. It’ll still be a couple chapters before him and Connor kiss, I just don’t want this to seem too rushed.


	5. An Overdue Realization

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Very brief mention of the thing with the General

Kevin couldn't say it. He didn't want to. Saying it would make it more real.

Fidgeting with a loose thread coming off the stitching of the couch, Kevin sighed. "Arnold, how did you know..." He trailed off. 

"How did I know what?"

He gulped, and with a shaky voice said, "That you—that you liked Nabulungi as more than a friend?" God, he sounded like a twelve-year-old.

Scratch that. Twelve-year-olds weren't afraid of liking someone. They wrote about crushes in their diaries and giggled about it with their friends, not have complete breakdowns in the doorways of their apartments.

Kevin wished he was twelve again.

"Does this mean—"

"It doesn't mean anything. Just answer the question," Kevin said a little too harshly. "Please."

There was a moment of silence on the other end of the phone. "I don't know, it just kinda happened, you know? At some point, I realized that I'd always looked at her like she was the most amazing thing in the world. Everything about her was so... perfect."

Arnold sounded like he wanted to keep going.

For once, Kevin didn't cut him off.

"And, like, I wanted to spend every moment I possibly could around her. I opened up, talked about stupid things with her—and she let me! Then I'd let her talk to me about whatever she wanted, even if I didn't really know what she was talking about. Because I just loved being near her. Hearing her voice, seeing her face. She always made me feel on top of the world." He sighed dreamily. "She still does, but now I get to kiss her beautiful face and call her my girlfriend. Which is so worth it."

Normally a speech like that would either make Kevin gag or go _'aww'_ —depending on his mood—but he didn't do either of those things this time. This time, he was quiet. As he took it all in, as he thought about everything. Because there was no denying it now.

Kevin's feelings for Connor McKinley were so, painfully real.

What did this mean, then? He knew he couldn't be 100% gay. There was that brief relationship he had during his senior year.

 

 _'Relationship'_ meaning he went to prom with Emma Foreman, the girl Kevin was infatuated with the entire second half of his high school career. Even though he sort of hated her when she took the title of valedictorian from him (Kevin made sure to passive-aggressively mention Emma in his much less prestigious salutatorian speech once or twice).

The point is, he definitely had a crush on a girl before. At least for a while.

What about that thing Poptarts had come out as last year? Bisexual—liking men and women. That sounded about right.

Kevin Price was... bisexual.

It wasn't easy, and Kevin kind of felt like he had been punched in the chest as soon as he thought the words into existence, but the fact that he let himself think about it at all was a start. At least he wasn't panicking this time.

Anyway, it wasn't all that bad really. He still liked women, right? So he could marry a nice, beautiful girl one day, just like he planned, and all the feelings would still be totally genuine.

Which wasn't like turning it off at all. Kevin admitted and recognized that he liked men, that he liked Connor. He just wasn't going to _tell_ anybody, or act on his urges.

See? Totally different.

"Best friend? You still there?"

Kevin jumped, forgetting he was still on the phone with Arnold. "Uh—yeah."

"Good! I need advice for something. Something big." He sounded suddenly nervous.

"Sure, buddy. What is it?"

There was a minute or two of shuffling, the sound of something getting kicked (punctuated with some censored expletives), then Arnold whispered, "I'm going to ask Netflix to marry me."

"Really? That's awesome!"

"I know! I'm super nervous, though. Next month will be our two year anniversary, so I was gonna do it then, but I wanna make sure it's super special for her, you know?"

"So what are you going to do?"

 

Arnold didn't say anything for a moment. " _I don't know_. That's my problem."

 

Kevin paused. "Are you asking _me_ to tell _you_ how to propose to your girlfriend?"

"Well... yeah," Arnold replied sheepishly.

Pinching the bridge of his nose, Kevin said, "I literally just asked you what it felt like to have feelings for someone, and you still think I'm the best person for any kind of relationship advice?"

"So you admit it! You _do_ have feelings for someone!" Arnold said, like he'd just solved some big mystery. "And I think I know who it is."

As much as he missed talking to his mission companion every day, Kevin _really_ wanted out of this conversation.

"This isn't about me, Arn," he said, just totally exasperated at this point. "I thought you wanted help."

"Right. Yes. Please."

Kevin sighed. "I don't know. Does she have a favorite place to eat or something? Take her there, and give her a speech about all the things you love about her. Like what you just told me."

Hopefully Naba liked romance-movie tropes, since that was Kevin's only point of reference for proposals. Hell, he wasn't even there when Adam proposed to his wife.

"Got it! Anything else?"

He smirked. "I'm best man at your wedding?"

"Only if I can be best man at yours!" Arnold just short of yelled.

After an exchange of thank you, good luck, and a couple goodbyes, Arnold had hung up to start his planning.

~~~

 _September 30th, 10:32 A.M._  

Kevin was late for his first ever job interview.

Why? He couldn't tell you, other than that he severely slept past his alarm. Possibly because, after almost a month, he still somehow wasn't used to having the sounds of city traffic surrounding him while falling asleep. Or maybe it was just nerves. Who knows?

He was also so desperate for a job that he wasn't even sure where he was going. All he knew was that it was one out of about twelve minimum wage, no experience necessary jobs he had submitted an application for in the past few weeks, and the excitement from finally getting a call back may have made Kevin forget to actually take note of which one had called him in the first place.

But none of that would matter if he didn't get there, like, now.

Jumping up and throwing on one of his mission uniforms (they were the only nice clothing he owned) sans the name tag, he repeated the address in his head, over and over like some kind of chant. 

The state of his hair made him cringe when he stepped in front of the mirror, but all he could do was run a comb through it a few times and be done with it. The world better be ready to see a less than pristine Kevin Price—as much as he never thought he'd say that.

Okay. Good. _Great_. He was ready to go, and only about five minutes late so far. Just tell the interviewer that traffic was bad.

 

 _'Everything's going to be fine!'_ Kevin thought as he ran to the elevator and ignored just how much of a blatant lie that was.

Especially when he saw the sign in front of the doors.

Really, you'd think an apartment complex this nice would at least fix their elevators from time to time. Especially after, what, a _month_?

Fine. Stairs it is, then.

It's pretty interesting how people do certain things—certain motions—so much in their daily life, that they just become automatic. No one thinks about the movements they go through when they walk, or in Kevin's case, _run_ , down a flight of stairs.

But then sometimes, they do. And then they start to think too hard about each and every motion that happens as they take their next step, in which case they usually mess up and reflexively take hold of something so they don't fall.

That's what happened to Kevin, except he didn't take hold of anything. 

He did, however, extend his right hand out to try and catch himself before he hit the floor. Which may not have been the best idea, considering the distance between the step he fell from and the next landing.

Kevin's wrist didn't hurt much at first, during the second or two it took him to realize what happened, but then _oh boy_ it did.

He cried out some kind of inhuman noise and pushed himself up with his other hand, cradling his injured wrist as he made his way down the rest of the stairs

It's no big deal, really. The pulsating pain may have begun getting steadily worse while he was waiting for the taxi to show up, but Kevin could hold out until after the interview. He had to.

Awkwardly opening the cab's door with his non-dominant hand, Kevin slid in and took deep breaths, not even bothering to say hello to the driver.

"To a hospital, I assume?" The man eyed Kevin's now swollen wrist.

 

"What? Oh, no—ah, shit—take me to..." _What was the address again?_ Okay, whatever. Screw it. "Yeah, to the hospital."

Just to check. Kevin had never broken a bone ever in his life, and he knew the doctor was just going to tell him is was nothing. Just a little sprain. Get in, get out, no X-RAY needed.

~~~

"Mr. Price, I believe you've broken your wrist," the doctor announced after examining the X-RAYs.

Ignoring how much the overly-bright lights bothered his eyes, Kevin dropped his head back onto the pillow in a hopeless huff. " _Great_."

A nurse wheeled in a cart carrying rolls of plaster and other scary-looking medical tools. Tools which reminded him of his hospital visit after _that incident_ , when he attempted to convert the General—the part of his mission he had tried the hardest to push away.

Kevin gulped and closed his eyes, turning away from that direction and straining to block out the memories.

The doctor continued, putting on gloves, "It's a very minor fracture. You'll just need to wear a cast for about a month and you'll be good to go." She smiled, as if that were somehow a positive thing. 

That woman was way too cheery for someone who's job is to basically tell people bad news. 

On the bright side, his wrist didn't hurt anymore—mainly because he had been given some kind of pain killer a little while earlier. He'd probably get a prescription, too. Not that he'd be able to pay for it.

So now he had a medical bill to pay for, too, and he couldn't even use his right hand for the next month.

Everything's just going _perfect_ (hint the sarcasm).


	6. Where’s a Lightswitch When You Need it?

It's weird how much ones perception of themself can change in a matter of moments.

For example, Kevin was fixing his hair one afternoon and feeling pretty good about himself, considering the circumstances. But then, of course, _he_ showed up. The man Kevin had only just recently 'accepted' his little crush on.

"Hel—oh my gosh, what happened?" 

So there he stood, in the doorway, suddenly aware of each imperfection in his own clothes, hair, face—everything. As if Connor was just examining him, inspecting each flaw and picking out every one of his insecurities, like Kevin was a contestant on some weird fashion show. 

Except he really wanted to kiss the judge.

Which shouldn't matter at all, anyway. Connor was nothing but a silly crush. Nothing had changed between them other than Kevin realizing he wasn't quite as straight as he initially thought, so it was time to move on and ignore his stupid feelings so he could just be calm and happy, damn it!

Easier said than done.

"Oh, I—yeah, uh..." Kevin stammered. When did it get so hard to talk? "I, um, fell down the stairs the other day. Broke my wrist." He lifted his cast to eye level, like it was hard to notice before.

Connor's gaze filled with sympathy, regrettably making the other swoon a bit. "Aw, that's awful. Do you want me to sign your cast?"

Definitely, but Kevin wasn't going to say that. What was he, some lonely teenage boy with no friends?

He was a lonely _adult_ with no (okay, maybe like three) friends, thank you very much.

But the redhead had already—gently, of course—grabbed his cast and begun to write _'Connor M. :)'_ in bright pink sharpie. Because of course Connor carried one around with him.

Not letting go of Kevin's wrist, he looked up, paused, then smiled and added a heart around his name. A sweet gesture that made Kevin's heart flutter incessantly in his chest and undeniably made his face way too red to hide.

Composing himself, Kevin asked, "Why are you here?"

"Huh?"

"No—sorry—that came out wrong," he rushed out, noting how much his awkward behavior reminded him of his former mission companion. If this was how Arnold felt every time he talked to Naba, he understood his behavior a lot more. "I just, uh, wasn't expecting you. You haven't been around much recently."

In fact, they hadn't had any contact since that day Kevin had panicked and slammed the door in his face. Which was what, a month ago already? For a while he was pretty much convinced he'd scared Connor off.

And even worse, Kevin was half tempted to do it again, because apparently, running away without explanation was his go-to strategy for when things would get too overwhelming. Good thing the logical part of his brain decided to work for once and stop him from making a foolish impulse decision like that—which also happened to be the reason why he wasn't currently making out with Connor right there in the hallway, despite how much every single muscle in his body wholeheartedly wanted him to just lean forward—

Yep, Kevin was starting to regret this. He had a much easier time resisting this stuff when he didn't let himself entertain the thought in the first place. Now he couldn't stop them; the acknowledgement of his own feelings broke down the wall, and he'd lost all willpower to rebuild.

Connor shrugged and put his hands behind him. "My parents have been a little overprotective since I got back. I've been spending a lot of time at home." 

There was a hint of something indecipherable in both his voice and wavered smile.

"But I just wanted to visit and say hi," he continued, now looking slightly bashful. "I'll be on my way now, I guess."

"No!" Kevin reached forward to stop him, grabbing hold of Connor's hand. It wasn't intentional, almost like he had no control over it. An automatic reaction. A desire to keep him near.

He looked down at their joined hands—holy shit, Connor's hands were soft—and said the first thing he could think of.

"Do you want to stay and watch a movie?"

Apparently his impulse control hadn't yet extended to speech.

It's fine. They were friends. Friends could have totally non-romantic movie dates. It'd be like the movie nights in Uganda, but with just the two of them. Accentuated with slightly more pining.

Okay, maybe that combination wouldn't be such a good idea. 

Sadly, it was too late to back out, because Connor had already agreed to his request silently, with an enthusiastic nod. As Kevin's feet carried the two, hands still joined, to the couch seemingly on their own accord, Kevin tried to think of anything to get his mind away from the current situation before he did something stupid, since that already seemed to be the running theme of this afternoon.

"You want something to eat?" Kevin asked.

"Sure."

"Let's see..." He opened one of the kitchen cupboards, as if there was much to look for. "Would you like ramen noodles or plain slices of bread?"

"Too pretty for popcorn, I see." Connor joked. And even though it was in jest, Kevin didn't fail to flutter slightly at the compliment.

With a playful glare to compose himself, Kevin reached for the one other edible thing in his kitchen. "There's also some Pop-Tarts I stole from Chris before we left."

The other giggled and said, "Elder Price, you spoil me," grabbing the foil-wrapped package as it was handed to him

They opted to watch Frozen, much to Kevin's delight. Though Connor did end up spending the first twenty minutes of the movie talking passionately about Idina Menzel's Broadway roles—which then turned into an even longer tangent about his own lifelong dream of being on Broadway one day.

It was okay. Kevin liked listening to Connor.

He always had, and it made a small part of him wonder how long these feelings had actually existed. The answer was apparently much longer than Kevin had thought, and that scared him for some reason he couldn't describe. What other seemingly obvious things were he unaware of?

'Feelings' was such a weird word to describe this. In a literal sense, the phrase 'have feelings for someone' just means you associate some kind of emotional reaction with a person. It can be anything, negative or positive, platonic or romantic. Kevin has had feelings for everyone he's ever met—his parents, siblings, Arnold, the villagers, even the grumpy old cashier at the convenience store Kevin used to go to as a kid on his way home from school.

But it's not like he wanted to listen to Mr. Hank talk about his hopes and dreams for upwards of half an hour. Whatever dreams an 80-something-year-old retail worker would have left, anyway.

Which is why 'feelings' seemed like the wrong word to define how Kevin felt with Connor. Too vague. This intense infatuation with all things Connor, the way he almost felt high when around him, how he could barely imagine life without the redhead despite only knowing him for two long years. It was anything but vague.

It's strange how, a month ago, Kevin was panicking over the thought of having slightly romantic feelings towards his friend. Now he's here.

It's not the worst, though. He never realized how freeing it would be to just let himself _feel_ for once.

Though he must admit, old habits die hard. When it's so ingrained in Kevin's brain that he's not supposed to feel things for the same sex, he has to consciously remind himself that he doesn't have to turn it off anymore (as long as he never acts on it—that's the one catch). This lead him to wonder if Connor ever had to deal with reminding himself that it's okay to find men attractive. Would it ever get easier?

"What are you thinking about?" Connor asked. 

The movie had played on for short while, Kevin not realizing he'd been zoned out for almost half of it, and he was _mildly_ miffed he missed his chance to start obnoxiously belting Let it Go with Connor.

"What do you mean?"

"You know what I mean." The redhead looked at him softly. "You've been silent the whole movie. A _Disney_ movie, at that. Plus you've seemed nervous ever since I arrived. I know you, you don't get nervous." 

Oh, how wrong he was about that last thing.

Kevin, clueless about how to respond—because due to both his desire to keep his dignity and his personal promise to not do anything, telling the truth was off the table—looked around frantically for something to use as a subject change. 

His eyes landed on a discarded package on Connor's lap. "Hey, are you gonna finish that Poptart?"

"Elder Price..."

The expression Kevin wore quickly grew mildly panicked, an odd, jittery feeling running through his blood with each increasingly fast beat of his heart. 

He turned back at the TV screen, continuing his attempts at dodging the question though his logical brain knew he was simply delaying the inevitable. "You ever notice how much Olaf sounds like Arn—"

_"Kevin."_

Connor's expression, like his tone, grew stern while somehow remaining sympathetic, as the name smoothly rolled off his tongue and made the other's racing heart skip a beat.

It was just a name. Kevin had never really liked his name, how common and... average it was. He didn't want to be average. But hearing it slip past Connor's lips for the very first time made time stop. Suddenly, his deeply mundane name felt like the most intimate and personal thing Connor could have ever said. The sounds from the movie became all but muffled noises slipping past the walls of a metaphorical tunnel that only held Kevin within, and his head clouded and left little room for thought, making him briefly wonder if he was going to pass out.

Fuck this. He needed to tell someone, and who better than the person who made Kevin realize in the first place? The adrenaline was giving the motivation for words that would never be said if he was fully coherent. Words that he'd surely regret the second they escaped the safe haven of his mind.

"I think I might be bisexual."

Just like that, a weight was lifted off of Kevin's being, only to be slammed back with the force equivalent to God immediately smiting him for uttering the sinful words into existence.

Which sounded much more like something his pre-mission self would think. Present-Day-Kevin consciously knew that it would be ridiculous to get hung up on something like that when God may or may not even exist at all, but that didn't stop the memories of church pastors' words condemning all sinners to hell from echoing in his mind. A tiny, traitorous part of his brain focusing on the what if's. _What if God was real? What if homosexuality really was this terrible sin? What if Kevin was doomed to burn for all eternity?_

Kevin's vision became a blur before he could take a moment to gauge Connor's reaction, and if the redhead had said anything, his undoubtedly sweet words were blocked out by an ugly and desperate noise that Kevin barely recognized as his own sobs.

So this is what he's reduced himself to.

Before he knew it, their were small, warm hands soothing on Kevin's shoulders, stopping his body from shaking.

"Oh, no. Please don't cry," Connor said softly. Then, a beat, and the redhead brought a hand up to cup the other's face and slowly wipe away a tear. "Just... thank you for telling me."

Kevin felt his breath shudder and his face burn, and he couldn't tell if they were caused by his own crying or Connor's close proximity. Most likely both.

What he did know was that, despite this, he felt calm. Peaceful. Connor wiped away the bad thoughts in the younger man's head just like he had the tears.

Kevin hadn't realized he was smiling until Connor mirrored it with his own small smile—a gesture that brought Kevin's attention to the redhead's lips. They looked soft.

This was the kind of tender moment he'd seen in countless movies growing up, where the protagonist and main love interest would gaze longingly at the other before sharing a magical first kiss, complete with sparks and fireworks and swelling violin music that made Kevin think _'I want that.'_ And he did want that, this moment more than any other moment in his life, soft red hair under his fingers and those lips moving gracefully against his like they were the only two people in the world.

Kevin turned away from Connor before he put his thoughts to actions.

He couldn't have that. Because that's not who he was supposed to be. Connor McKinley may be the most amazing, gorgeous, and sweetest person Kevin had ever met, but he already told himself he wasn't going to let that get in the way of his plan. This crush was nothing but a small roadblock. Something the people Kevin went to church with when he was younger would call a _'temptation'_ —as much as he hated that word.

Still, he wondered if he'd ever get to marry someone as great as Connor.


End file.
